Los Angeles Custody Evaluation

Well it turns out that confidentially restrictions do not allow me to post the report and that's too bad bacause I would imagine many people want to know what this is all about. I've decided that instead of putting the details of my case in my blog, I am going to finish writing the book I am authoring re: this subject and give away as many copies as I can afford. I look forward to sharing my story, but this isn't the forum. STILL, it ANYONE would like to talk to me, hear my observations, ask for advice (my expertise is limited to the three years I've been involved in the case) or just vent, you can e-mail me at psfunkytek@yahoo.com.

The advantage of going to the make-up session without my co-parent was the ability to 1) Share breifly how things had changes since attending the workshop and 2) Discuss things I would have been too uncomfortable to discuss while my co-parent was present. On the flip side it was discouraging because there sat another six or seven ADULT couples dealing with the very same issues and I just wonder why this is so hard. It was like "same families, different names". The issues were so similiar it was almost erie.

Anyway, I did get to bring up the issue of step parent interference which was almost like a taboo subject in the class (at least to me) because it's such a hot button issue with my co-parent and his wife. Also, I was able to comfortably comment on other people's issues based on what I had learned previously. That may have been a good or bad thing to the moderators, but to me, it was kind of nice to lend support and encouragement to others, even though my own case still drags on.

All and all, I give the course a 7 out of 10. Starting with a 10 based on the need for the advice being offered and the likelyhood that, given the participation of both parents, using the techniques and tools given in the class would improve the co-parent relationship, I offer deductions for the following reasons.

1. At the end of the course, they didn't collect feedback from us. Even if 90% of the recommendations are not implementable, that 10% could improve the condition of children of two homes.

2. The class being scheduled during work hours could be catastrophic for some families. As important as this counseling is, it could be used against a partner or ex if the other party knows they are paid hourly (and thus have to take a reduction in pay to attend) or if they are already missing significant work for court, which was the case for me. Offering these courses within the neighborhood where people live, in neighborhood churches or schools, possibly choices during the weekend would be very helpful to some. Also, even though the courses ran well after school and BOTH parents were required to attend together, no childcare was provided. That was a real hardship.

3. I think there really should be some seperation of parents who were never married and those who are divorced - or at a minimum, recognition of the different issues that face those of use trying to raise "booty call babies" with a person who's still dealing with the resentment of parenting at all. True all the issues that need to be address are only scratched on the surface in this six week course, but still, on many, many occasions, I found that I was a "deer in headlights" as they spoke about issues surrounding loss of marriage and divorce and this didn't apply to me.

Still, even though I had been through most of the content of the course on my own through other counseling and reading, the effort of the court in providing this workshop is a positive effort and one I believe will benefit some families.

This session started with me and my co-parent. The first thing in each session was always "are there any co-parent crisis"? I thought the fact that we had been in court on contempt charges the previous week was a crisis given the details of the case, so I raised the issue. We discussed it and still, I was amazed at how the moderators of the session really seemed to be endlessly optimistic.

Well, the theme of this session was to read one of our three "Polite Request" to each other and finally put in writing how we would each change OURSELF to improve the co-parent relationship. I chose the request which I asked him to return our daughter home on Sunday night instead of taking her to school on Monday morning because I was concerned about the commute time and the school's carpool requirements. His response was to take her to carpool which was upsetting for me because while it meets the carpool requirements, it increases her comute by about 1/2 hour AND she has to arrive about 1/2 earlier at carpool dropoff than she would to school so this is increasing her comute by 1 hour. I was really unhappy with that solution.

He chose to politely request that I allow him to take our daughter on out of state vacations when he requested. This was very difficult for me because I have NEVER denied him taking her on an out of state vacation. I did deny an out of the COUNTRY one and considering this was a country which is not party to the hague convention (a treaty between countries' government to assist in the return abducted children) I said no. I assume he was not happy with my response either because my answer was 1) I can't comment on this out of state issue because you have twice asked to take her out of state and I have twice said yes. As for the out of the country issues, it would be on a case by case basis depending on what I believe is best for our daughter at the time. You can read more about the Jamaica trip request in the August postings for this blog. I put some of the real letters from the attorney here.

That was basically it. In my statement as to what I would change about myself, I truthfully stated that I really didn't know what he wanted from me (which I truly don't) and that I would try my best to keep the lines of communication open when he was ready to discuss them with me.

As promised, I was assured by one of the group counselors that I could re-produce the material from the class, so as soon as I can either scan or re-type it, I will post if for those interested.

There will be one more post to this blog on the Parenting Without Conflict workshop which will address my makeup session from week two.

This session took off with a bang as we spent the first 45 minutes or so of the session discussing whether or not one parent had used something that was said in the workshop in the legal arena. This was a pretty big deal because on the very first day,everyone had to sign a form that stated that nothing that was said in the PWC workshop could be used in court. I don't understand how something like that could be enforced and so I asked the question. I didn't really get an answer, but the explaination that was given was "we signed the form agreeing to it". That didn't change the fact that I was very unsatisfied with the explaination, or the lack of explaination, of WHAT happens if you violate the agreement. I felt a LOT of that through the classes. The counselors failed to answer the question "what if it doesn't happen that way".

As promised, I have posted the ways we create a "Loyalty Bind" in our children under comments for last weeks workshop notes. My co-parent still continues to be non-participatory and virtually silent in the workshops and he only speaks when he is asked to read something or when he is asked a direct question. Last week, we were asked to prepare three "polite request" for the other parent. I am including one of my request in the formate we are required to use. Before you act on what you believe to be the meaning of something our daughter said, consider her best interest and feelings first instead of acting on your own anger and fears. WHEN: I get blamed for every problem in your relationship with Alexis I FEEL: Agitated, frustrated, abused and hopeless since I have never done anything to try to damage or severe your relationship with Alexis. BECAUSE: Alexis knows in her heart the complaints she has are valid, she feels betrayed by you for not believing her or standing up for her and further, her self esteem is severely damaged because, as she phrases is, “she is bad for lying all the time, but she has too to keep from being in trouble with you”. This is very hurtful for her and since the times last year when she was repeatedly dragged off begging and pleading for you to believe her, it’s unfair for her to feel she has to bear the burden of not crying when she doesn’t want to go with you for fear of GETTING YOU in trouble. This is too much of a burden for a child her age. Early this year, she frequently talked of wanting to die rather than to live the life she has now and even made some elementary attempts to take her own life. AND WHAT I’D LIKE IS: Before you act on what you believe to be the meaning of something Alexis said, consider ALEXIS’ best interest and feelings first instead of acting on your own anger and fears. AND I WOULD BE WILLING TO: I kid you not when I say that I left the last line blank on every request because I wanted to make a really loud statement about how I have no idea what he want's from me as a co-parent. He tends to criticize everything I do, but doesn't offer any opinion or alternative and then leaves me hanging with no idea what to do. The only request he's ever made of me was to stop doing things I wasn't doing to begin with.

Well, today I attended PWC part III and one of my questions were in fact answered. I have been feeling more and more angry as the classes go by. The primary reason is that I've been doing most of what is being recommended for years now and it would be awful hard for someone to convince me that we have benefitted from it. Now according to the counselors they said repeating stages of the grieving process is natural when you are discussing some of your worst moments as we are in the PWC workshop. Okay, well that being said, today we talked about communication, active listening and avoiding creating a "loyalty bind" in your child. Loyalty bind was defined as one parent making the child feel more loyal to them than the other parent by making the child feel guilty about enjoying time with the other or refusing to allow the child to develop and grow their relationship with the parent in a natural way.

Today we practiced some active listening and using "I" statements to make polite request of the other parent. Again, I felt a little lost because so much of the conversation centered on the separation and divorce, but I took the opportunity after class to discuss it with the counselors. It's frustrating because I know they have to communicate in a way as to not alienate any of the parents and put them on the defensive to the point where they can't really absorb the information being provided. One of the counselors indicated that some married couples did experience the resentment of the pregnancy all together, but I'm not convinced it's nearly as big of an issue, maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, I would say I got the least out of this workshop than any other because I am so starting to shut down. I think part of the reason may be the ridiculous contempt hearing I have tomorrow morning. Our home work is to prepare three "I" structured statements that are polite requests to correct something we see as a problem in our co-parenting relationship. This will be especially difficult because I feel more like preparing thirty.

I'm sorry this is all I had to say about today's workshop. I guess to make up for the lack of content, I'll post the listing of "Loyalty Binds" that were given to us as soon as I have time. As always, please check back often if you are interested in this topic.

Yesterday, I attended the second of six workshops which Judge Kenji Machida of the Los Angeles Superior Court ordered me to attend with my "co-parent". A series of events caused me to be nearly 45minutes late to the session, but I decided that even though I would have to make up the session, I would still attend the remaining 1 1/2 hour of this session because the intent of these workshops is to have both parents attend together and the make up session is only with one parent. By the way, you can only makeup one session before you are required to take the entire series over so I have incentive to ensure that I am available and on time for the remaining sessions. I left this session feeling isolated and angry although I don't believe that was the feeling subject matter intended to inspire. Let me first say that I am a life long student of psychology. From the first high school psychology class that I took in my junior year, I have been addicted, so to speak, to exploration and understanding of human behavior and the human mind. I can say without question, the study of psychology has made doing the right thing in my life easier. The unglamorous side to doing "the right thing" as best you can is that in many cases, the only payoff you will recieve is a clear conscious. In the rare instances that you recieve more, it will rarely be in a tangible form. Anyway, I digress from the issues at hand. Through the entire session, the discussion was heavily weighted towards couples of divorce. For couples who were in mutual long term relationship the issues were the same. My daughter is a "booty call baby". There is one very unique issue that is faced by the mother of a booty call baby that is generally absent from a divorced couple's relations. It is only in rare instances that a divorced couple at some point in time didn't agree to start a family. When you had that in commom when you started your family, no matter HOW nasty the relationship becomes between the parents, they will never have to deal with the "well that's what you get for trying to trap me by getting pregnant trip". I've been faced head on with the frustration of people THINKING they know who I am and it's very difficult to tell them they are wrong without sounding braggadocious and even more difficult to do so without insulting "baby daddy" because he is such a target. Why is it perfectly okay to condem a father who is physically abusive and/or an alcoholic, but the minute you try to brand someone as psychologically and or emotionally abusive, you are branded as a bitter, scorned ex who is trying to alienate the child from their father. There are WAY to many mental health professionals who are way to ready and willing to accept that scenario. I get tired of saying no, it's not like that, no, I'm not like that, no, I didn't do that or no, I don't think that at all to the faces that stare back at me with a "sure you're not" stare on their face. Here are the basics of what were were instruced to do in yesterday's session 1) Forgive your ex. It's not condoning what they may have done wrong, but it's releasing yourself from your pain. COMPLETED, 2003. 2) Develop a business like relationship with the mutual objective of raising a healthy, well adjusted child. MY BEST ATTEMPTS WERE MET WITH SHOUTING, CURSING SAYING WELL THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GETTING PREGNANT AND GENERALLY HANGING UP THE PHONE WHILE I BEGGED AND PLEADED "CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT ME FOR A MINUTE AND TALK ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER! 3) Practice a style of communication that doesn't put the other person on the defensive. Use "I" statements when speaking instead of "you" statements. PROBABLY NOT COMPLETED, COULDN'T HEAR MYSELF TALK OVER THE SHOUTING. 4) Listen actively and try to the other persons point of view. ALWAYS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, HE NEVER GAVE HIS POINT OF VIEW. HE GAVE HIS WIFES, HIS MOTHER'S ON OCCASIONS, AND HE TRASHED AND ATTACKED ME. I may as well admit, I read the nearly 50 page handout with worksheets and tips after the first session and I can say without hesitation, given what I had to work with absolutely NO communication as to what my child's father wanted for his daughter, simply an never ending assult on me. Further, I have gone WAY above and beyond the call of duty to make peace and I have allowed many, MANY thing to go in the name of peace and peace isnt' what I got. What I got was a monster who thought the more it could get away with, the more it WOULD get away with and now, the damage may be irreparable. Of all the controversial positions I have, this may well be the most controversial. Men and women alike can have their love of a child BLOCKED by the circumstances that surrounded the conception of that child and when that love is blocked, the child is as much better off without them as they are without a parent who is violent or a crack head, male or female. His inability to walk away because of what people will think when he isn't capible of love, is as much a weakness as my inability to terminate my pregnancy (although make no mistake, today I am very glad I did not). If a woman was raped or otherwise violated and cannot see past that violation to the innocent soul of a resulting child, the result is all the same. This ABSOULTELY is a cause to sacrafice you own pride and and feelings of inadequaticy for the better good. The good that your child doesn't ultimately feel like in them all you see is a big mistake that you wish would dissapear.

On June 7, 2005 I was ordered to attend a Parenting Without Conflict workshop at the LA Superior Court starting in August. Well, I attended my first session yesterday, August 16, 2005. It was about two hours and there are five more sessions that are two and a half hours each. FYI, if I had know about this, I would have asked to judge to order it for us a long time ago as I had been asking, no BEGGING my "co-parent" as they referred to us, for years to attend such counseling with me and he had flatly refused.

I arrived early, but by the 3:30pm start time, there was approximately 300 parents waiting outside of the room where we were instructed to congregate. During the orientation period, I learned that there were two different PWC sessions. One was three 2 1/2 hour sessions of lecture style counseling and the other was six 2 1/2 hour sessions of interactive counseling which you were only allowed to take if both parents were attending together. There was a problem with the paperwork and somehow, my "co-parent" was sent to the session group and I was sent to the six session group, but parents couldn't attend the six session counseling alone, both parents had to attend together. They almost sent me home with a letter to the judge stating that my "co-parent" didn't show, but luckily I had caught a glimpse of my him in the hall when I arrived and I asked the moderator to please check and see if he could locate him before I left. Based on the information I was given, I was convinced that if I attended the three session group (which was also an option offered to me), I would simply be ordered to do the six session group by the judge (we need this counseling, so attending wasn't a problem) and I would have to take yet more time off work (my boss was NOT happy about this as it was) . >p> Both of us were finally settled into a group. If I counted correctly, there was a total of seven couples in attendance. The first thing they ask us all to do is introduce ourself, state our primary co-parenting issues, provide a brief history (how long married, how long seperated etc.) and give the age of our child(ren). Then we began reading some of the common "negative behaviors" that we may or may not have engaged in. Next, everyone was escorted to a room where there was an audio presentation of a child saying things about how divorce make's them feel. Any parent without a stone heart would probably had to fight back tears. The presentation had no pictures of any children, so in my mind, I was really picturing my daughter and after a few minutes, I was looking around the room for a kleenex. The presentation was about 1/2 hour and afterwards, we returned to the room and talked about how we felt about what we had just seen.

I felt a little envious of the couple who had a toddler age child and had only been seperated for a few months because before the session was over, I found myself wishing that I had had the benefit of this counseling years earlier. It could have potentially saved my daughter a lot of difficulties and me a lot of money. During the break, I couldn't help but to read further into the workbook than "Lession 1", and before I went to bed last night, I had read most of the workbook. The good news is that I knew most of what was there. Not because I'm a goody two shoes, but because I have been through quite a bit of this sort of counseling, but by myself. As far as I know, my "co-parent" has not had any such counseling, but no matter, I'd do it again, and again with him if I had to for our daughter.

At this point, there are a few things I would like to see happen to improve this program:

1) Consider breaking out the couples who have never been married, there are many issues that are unique to parents who have never been married or even in a committed relationship.

2) Offer a similiar, relavant program for step-parents and significant others.

3) Both parents are required to attend this workshop together, but they don't offer ANY child care at all and I think they should at least consider offering it even if they need to charge a fee to cover the costs. Most parents probably have to pay a baby sitter SOMETHING in order to attend the PWC class since it's on a week day during business hours.

4) They probably need to semi-outsource this program. The instruction and materials need to be consistent. My thoughts would be to request the donation of space in churches that have exsisting preschools and/or primary shools and use that space to provide child care. They might also be able to offer more flexibility in scheduling the 15 hour (six session) counseling into a two 7 1/2 hour sessions or other flexible arrangements. It would alleviate the cost of validating parking for attendees and parents could possibly benefit from scheduling their counseling closer to home or their children's school.

I look forward to posting more after each session and I hope that it's of value to someone. I highly recommend anyone who is litigating custody or having difficulties at least try this if you can. I know it can sometimes be hard to convince your "co-parent" to go to counseling, in my case it was court ordered, so we didn't have a choice.

Ironic because I'm feeling a lot of contempt right now, it's just not contempt according to California Statutes.

On Thursday August 4, 2005, I was served personally with papers accusing me of being in contempt for not following custody orders. My first reaction was why was this being served on me when I was represented by counsel. A quick call to my attorney answered that question. Something about being quasi-criminal in nature and that the party must be served personally even if they are represented by counsel. It didn't make much sense, but it didn't make much difference either. Mostly because I'm not in contempt under California statute, but also because finallly on August 31, 2005, maybe, just maybe I'll get a chance to put evidence before the judge to show what I've been going through for the last year.

You see, just over one year ago, I filled an Order to Show Cause (OSC) in a LA County Superior Court to change custody. My daughter was starting Kindergarten in a few weeks, and I felt that a slight modification to the the current custody practice I had with my daughter's father was needed to accomodate the schedule of Kindergarten as opposed to preschool. That filing started a snowball rolling down a hill and it has collected my resources and energy along the way.

I'm not going to make a long story short, so I hope everyone will bare with me as I tell my story over then next few days and even weeks. I'm not a great writer, so putting my story down in words is a challenge, I'm also time challenged, but right now, my most important undertaking in life second only to looking out for my daughter is to tear down the current custody system and make sure that it's re-build with the best interest of the child in mind.

June 7, 2005

That was the last time I was in court for a hearing. What was on my mind then? On my mind was that if the custody evaluation had been completed, we probably wouldn't be there......at least not for the reason we WERE there. My daughter's father dragged me into court to seek a court order to FORCE me to sign a passport application allowing my daughter to be taken on what he called a vaction to Jamaica. A country not party to the Hague Convention (a international treaty which binds country's government to cooperate in returning abducted children to their home country) and the country from which my daughter's father's wife is native. WHAT?? I couldn't even believe they were hearing this case, let alone two hearings. Prior to having to go to court to defend this, I received several threatening letters from opposing counsel threatening not only to take me to court, but also to seek attorney's fees against me. He had sent letters along with pictures of the home of his wife's father which only served to make me more uncomfortable because from the looks of his home, he to be quite wealthy. I'm not sure what I was more concerend about, my daughter not returning to the states, or my daughter being returned to the states in a pine box. Seriously, either by accident or on purpose, I was very worried and frankly, I'd like to see the laws about this tightened up to the point where one parent can NEVER leave the country with a minor child against the wishes of the other parent. The rare obductions are every bit worth just keeping our kids home if both parents cannot agree to the international trip, but I understand the nature of the beast........the lawyers make more money if they have to come to court time and time again to get a judgement and/or interpretation of the law. If you're interested in reading the letters I got regarding this trip, they're posted in this blog.

Well, the judge didn't order me to sign the passport application for my daughter, but his reasoning for not making me do so was infuriating. I don't think I was infuriated at him specifically, just the entire situation. The judge said that he didn't believe that my concerns were valid, but he wasn't sure and since there wasn't time for a full hearing on the matter with testimony from each sides, he wasn't going to order this trip. It was somewhat a poetic justic because originally, the hearing was scheduled for May 11, 2005. When opposing counsel discovered that our courtroom (in LA Superior Court, unless someone moves to change it, your custody case is in the same court and same department forever) was dark on May 12, 2005, he changed the court date to May 12, 2005. I'm relatively certian that he intentionally did this in order to go before a judge who frequently ruled in his favor. This was the second time he had attempted to have a case heard in Department 2 instead of department 63 (our department) since January 1, 2005 when the previous judge who had frequently ruled in his favor was promoted to Department 2. Well sort of backfired because when we went into department 2 on May 12, 2005, the old judge wasn't there, the was a "judge pro temp", or temporary judge who refused to rule on this matter and he remanded the case back to Department 63. The next available date the case could be heard after that was June 7, 2005 since the attorney was going to be out of the country for an extended vacation for the rest of May and early June. This was only one of the dirty tricks pulled by opposing counsel, check back, you'll be able to read more about his tacticts in this blog.

Well, I left the courtroom feeling considerably less than triumphant because who can feel triumphant when they've just spent $2,000 (just MY part) to have a judge spend 15-20 minutes telling you "I don't think so".

Prior to that hearing, I was in court January 10, 2005 and this time, I was there for safety and psuedo job protection. Please bookmark my site and check back for updates on how it was that I got to where I am today in my custody case. The hearings, the letters, the e-mails, nobody should have to go through this mess.

# posted by My Kid's Mom @ 5:03 AM 0 comments